Chapter 44
Gabriell
My blood bods, the wodacity of this woman ||
“You need in think long and hard about this, Gabriel:“[]
“Think about what, exactly, what’s that supposed to mear“]
Tit means if you
you want to be a father, it’s a full cane job. Every sparting match, every dance practice. Every vomiting bag and cold, every damn meildown. You do not get to pick and choose what you are present for in their lives. I will not have my children pine for their absent workaholic father.” She shrugs
“And then what happens when you hate more children and you have even less time?” She throws her hands up in the air. “You want to move them away from all of their friends and then your new bride gen pregnant and you and her are super busy doing baby things and she doesn’t want them around what happens to them thra?” My heart drops ||
“Dall or nothing. Gabriel.“||
Istate at her for a beat, and her demeanor changes from aggressive to empathetic:[]
“Look, I know this isn’t hour you wanted things in go, me neither, but it happened, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you back then,
“Frum their own father?” I grop
was unly trying to protect them”
“You need to go home and really think about this,” she says sadly. “And if you decide that this is all too hard, I understand. I get it, I really do.” She strugs, “Everybody will be none the wiser, and when the children are old enough is understand the dynamics, we can tell them together then. I stare at her for a beat
“You’re not the bad guy here, tabtiel, I know I did the wrong thing by not telling you, but I was scared and alone and ti hasn’t been easy. I’ve cried myself to sleep more times than I can court, but I have put their needs first every single time, and you coming here with your selfish demands, wanting to upend their entire lives so that you don’t feel like a failure, is just not going in cur it. They deserve better than a half–assed father with a point to prove.” I get a lump in my threat
you know why I didn’t want to tell you?
“Enlightm me”
“Because in the eyes of your family and to the rest of the world, they are and always will be the illegitimate children who were conceived on your desk late one night with your PA. They will never fit into your life, Gabriel, don’t you see? Her eyes well with tears. “I don’t want them to feel Like secondclass citizens, and if they go to New York that’s cartly how it will be. Your family will never accept them. They will always be Gabriel Ferrara’s bastard children.”
My heart sinks.
you want them in your life, and I really hope you do, you need to immerse yourself in their world and build a relationship with them. I cannot allow them into yours until I know for certain that their hearts are safe.” i clench my jaw. []
*Gabriel, you need to underd, money means nothing to them. They don’t care what your job is or who you are, they just want their dad to love them, they just want a normal dad to love them back. They’re happy now, they aren’t constantly waiting for a visit from their dad because I know that once we tell them, they will be. They will want your attention all the time. Parenthood isn’t a part–time job. If you can’t be an engaged and present father, then for god’s sake for -once in your life put someone else’s needs before your own, do the right thing by them and stay away.”
Her silhouette blurs, and I quickly burn toward the door. Tibe in touch.” I walk down the stairs and out to my car.
That is not how I expected that to go. I sin the car for a moment while I collect my thoughts
“Tot once in your life put someone else’s needs before your own, do the right thing by them and stay away.”
She’s right, I really do need to think about this |
Fin being selfish ||
On autopilot, I start the car and pull out onto the road. I glance back at the house as it disappears in the rearview mirror
Tuck
didn’t even say goodbye to them.[]
the darkness and watch the
the shadows change on the celling)
Sleep the elusive dream, I’m a walking zombie.
1 haven’t slept in days.
Ariana is asleep beside me, oblivious to everything. Physically. I’m here with her, but the rest of me is not it’s hovering somewhere over Greenville in Maine |
Ver’s words keep going over and over in my head. For once in your life put someone else’s needs before your own, do the right thing by them and stay away
I know she’s right. This isn’t about ine, this is about my children and what’s best for them, and I know that I have to leave them be. I can’t be who they need, and
I work so much that I’m hardly present in my own life. How can I be present for twen small children who live on the other side of the country?[]
Thave two choices: stay way and abandon my children but keep Ariana or start a new way of life that involves living between here and Greenville with my children.
One moment I’m thinking with my head and staying way and marrying Artana
And then like clockwork, my mind returns to Maine. With her. I see a vision of Lucy and Dominie, dark hair, olive skin.||
They look like me
I imagine them at a school concert with no father there to cheer them on, and it beings me such a deep sense of
of sadness.
Does it affect them?]
Violet says it doesn’t, but it would have to, if not now then down the track most definitely. I know the situation is impossible, Viollet won’t I can’t leave. ||
Violet is right and I should stay away |
They wi
won’t care
care, they never knew me anyway…the thought of that breaks my heart]
move to New York and
I get a lump in my throat at the situation I find myself in. I feel so cheated
I’m at a crossroads in my life, and whatever road I choose to go down. I will miss something on the other side.
“I don’t give a fuck what he’s asking, pay it Get me that fucking story.” I snap as I turn the corner in my car. My eyes flick up to Mark, who is following in the car behind me. I’m so wound up that I can’t even sit in the car with him
Driving is the only thing I seem to be able to control
“He won’t do an interview; he’s declined to talk to anyone.
“Do not instalt my intelligence. I’m sure Miles Media is in negotiations with him right now. Get the fucking story.” I hit end of call and come to a stop at a pedestrian crossing[
Fucking incompetence, I’m sick to death of it
at a snail’s pace across the road. “Hurry up, old bag”
An old lady walks at a
Another lady crosses, and then another. I exhale heavily. “Come the fuck on, what are we waiting for?”
And then I see it my l
y heart stops. []
A man walks out onto street, holding the hands of his two children. They’re dressed in uniform, he must be walking them to school. They’re chanting and talking as they walk, oblivious to everyone around them
What are they talking about?||
The father says something and the children both laugh and my stomach twists. I watch them keep walking wondering what school they go to
Beep, beep & car horn sounds from behind me, bringing me back to the
to the moment
I glance up to my rearview mirror and glare at the driver behind me ||
🙂
“Shut the fuck up before I hurt you.
